it takes guts to tremble
by Someone aka Me
Summary: "It is untrue that bravery can be measured by lack of fear. It takes guts to tremble. It takes tremble to love." - Andrea Gibson :: Recovery happens in stages. Oliver is overcoming his past relationships and learning to love again. :: warning: past abuse.


Written for OCDdegrassi in the Monthly One Shot Exchange. Prompts: Percy/Oliver, Romance, Angst, word: compromise

Warning for an abusive relationship (not between Percy and Oliver).

* * *

The first time Percy kisses him, Oliver violently flinches back, nearly slaps him, apologizes, and then runs away, leaving Percy staring after him.

Not a single one of these reactions has to do with Percy.

And Percy knows this. Percy knows because Percy was there during their sixth year. Percy watched Oliver date Marcus, watched him withdraw into himself, become his own shadow, hide technicolor skin under long sleeves that couldn't hide the dark bruises under his eyes.

Percy watched Oliver listen to what Marcus had to say and begin to doubt the fabric of his own reality, watched him fall down a hole of _maybe he's right, maybe I am useless, maybe I did forget to tell him that, maybe I never actually left the room, maybe maybe maybe._

Oliver once told Marcus that when Marcus is around, he feels small. He was hoping to start a conversation about why. Instead, Marcus told him that he was small, and worse, he was pathetic.

Oliver had only curled smaller.

Percy watched this happen and Percy offered a shoulder, an ear, a hand, any part of him Oliver would take.

But Oliver couldn't take any of them.

Oliver had to do it himself.

And he did. Eventually.

He pulled himself out of the shadows and told Marcus to fuck off and cast a shield charm when Marcus didn't like that. And then he ran.

Maybe that wasn't very Gryffindor of him but fuck stereotypical notions of bravery; Oliver was done with letting anyone tell him what he was supposed to do.

Marcus hadn't come after him, because Marcus was a coward at heart.

It's four years since Oliver left Marcus behind and the paranoia still lives in his bones.

Even now.

Even when Percy comes to him in the middle of the night when they haven't seen each other in two years, drenched with rain and some sort of terrifying, terrified fire in his eyes and tells him, "Voldemort is back."

Percy gives him a soaked, pitiful handful of daisies, fist thrust out in a broken offering and Oliver knows this is Percy's way of trying to be romantic. Percy tells him, "Voldemort is back," and he tells him, "The world might be ending," and he tells him, "I might not know how to tell my family I was wrong but I do know this: if the world ends and I've never told you I loved you, that would be the worst sort of tragedy."

His wine-red curls are matted to his head with rainwater and his skin is paler and colder than usual, making his freckles look even more vivid and his eyes are burning.

He takes a deep breath and it sounds like a confession when he whispers, "I'd really like to kiss you but I really need to know if that's okay."

Oliver has always loved Percy.

Ever since he knew what love was, he knew he loved his fierce, clever roommate.

He knows that from the outside, it seems odd, because they have always been so different. Percy believes that rules are always a good thing whereas Oliver knows that rules are made to be broken. Oliver loves Quidditch whereas Percy couldn't be dragged to the pitch unless Oliver was playing. Percy loves the library whereas Oliver maintains he has an allergy to literature.

The thing is, Percy is oblivious but he's also kind, when he remembers to be. He's abrupt and sometimes careless, and yet Oliver has never once doubted his respect. Percy has never made him feel stupid or slow or… or pathetic.

Percy is so much more than anyone thinks he is.

Oliver often wonders why he's the only one who seems to see it.

But Oliver never planned for this. Oliver never planned for Percy to show up on his front porch, rain pouring down behind him, eyes bright and bouquet crumpled, and tell him he loved him.

Wished for it, yes.

But he wished for it in the way one wishes for a fever dream, distant and unreal and untouchable.

He realizes he's been staring at Percy without saying a word for an inordinate amount of time.

He realizes that the both of them are standing in his open doorway. Percy is fully dressed while Oliver is wearing sweatpants, his holiest jumper, and warm woolen socks.

Somehow, he doesn't wind up addressing any of that. Instead, he just nods.

Percy smiles like the sun coming out after a long winter, like petrichor — rain on dry earth, the first inhalation of fresh air after gasping for breath.

His hand on Oliver's cheek is cold where Marcus's had always been hot like burning, and Oliver thinks, _maybe this will be okay_ , thinks, _maybe I can have this_.

But then Percy's lips meet his and Oliver's peace is disturbed by a wave of _wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong_ and he jerks back, cringes, forces out the words, "I'm sorry," and slams the door to his bedroom.

He leaves Percy standing in the still-open front doorway, eyes wide and heart broken.

Oliver thinks maybe that will be the end of it.

He underestimates Percy. He underestimates the Weasley stubbornness. He underestimates Percy's unwillingness to compromise on what he believes in.

He wonders when the world will stop underestimating Percy.

...

Percy comes back two weeks later, dry this time, hands stuffed in his pockets, face somewhat sheepish.

When Oliver opens the door, Percy smiles at him softly. "I'm sorry. Maybe we could start with a date?"

Oliver tips his head. "I'm not broken. You don't have to treat me like I'm made of glass."

Percy's smile slides into something sadder. "I know you aren't. I'd rather be careful because you're something important, not because I think you're easily broken."

His voice is matter of fact, as though this is an absolute, indisputable truth.

Something warm shoots its way through Oliver's chest.

"So." Percy's smile brightens. "What do you think about that date? Good idea?"

Oliver bites his lip. "Yes, I think so."

He wonders if this is a moment he will regret.

…

And it is.

Because the truth is, dating Percy isn't all that different from being best friends with Percy.

They go out to dinner. They split a slice of banoffee pie: something they've both always loved.

They go see a Muggle movie, and Oliver laughs at Percy's awe.

They go see a junior Quidditch match, and Percy laughs at Oliver's glee.

The world turns.

The war rages.

Oliver does not invite Percy into his apartment.

A different war rages inside of him. On the one hand, he knows Percy, loves him, trusts him. On the other hand, at one point he loved Marcus.

And then Marcus got too close and Oliver got burned.

Percy doesn't push him, but Oliver can see the look in his eyes.

Can see the disappointment there, even if Percy would never voice it aloud.

Oliver wonders about what it means to be brave. He wonders about how much of his life he's letting Marcus take from him.

He wonders if he has it in him to reach out and take a chance on love again when the first time hurt so badly.

…

In the end, it takes him nearly two years, a few near death experiences, and the unexpected death of Fred Weasley, among other things, to decide that maybe love is worth the pain.

The war is over.

It sounds so simple. It sounds like a good thing.

Those words don't measure all that they've lost.

Katie Bell has a tremor she can't shake and wakes up screaming, thinking of the Death Eaters she killed when it came down to it.

George Weasley hasn't spoken since the day Fred died.

Angelina puts on a brave face but Oliver knows that every day when she goes home she gives herself time to cry.

They're children asked to fight a war that never should have happened.

Oliver traces the black magic scar on his hip and thinks about the screaming nightmares and tells himself that it's time to love again.

It's time to heal.

…

He invites Percy inside.

He makes him a cup of tea.

He sets the tea on the side table beside the armchair, turns on the lamp to hide the fading daylight, and crawls into Percy's lap, kissing him fiercely.

When Percy asks him if he's sure about this, the only words Oliver can find are "I trust you."

And they kiss. And Percy wraps his arms around Oliver and holds him but it doesn't feel like a cage, it feels like an escape. It feels like being free.

And when Percy falls asleep in the chair, Oliver tucks a blanket around him and goes to bed and wonders if this is what trust feels like.

Or maybe it's just the feeling of having nothing else to lose.

…

The more Oliver trusts Percy, the more he falls.

Only, with Percy, he doesn't hit the ground.

He falls in love and he only hits the soft places, no sharp edges.

Which is not to say that Percy is perfect. Percy is a hot mess who only seems like he has his shit together. He forgets that words hurt sometimes, and he can't modulate his tone of voice to save his damn life, and he's more stubborn than anyone Oliver has ever met.

But he would never raise a hand to Oliver.

Once, Oliver even pokes and prods at him, needling him after he knows Percy has had a bad day, pushing him to the edge because he needs to know.

Percy yells back when Oliver screams at him.

But then.

Then Percy takes a deep breath, pushes a hand through his hair, and declares, "I need to breath and calm down, and frankly, so do you. I'm going for a walk."

He comes back an hour later and apologizes for the yelling, apologizes for his words.

Oliver bites his lip and apologizes for pushing Percy to the limit he knew they were getting close to.

Percy hugs him.

Oliver wonders if this is what forgiveness feels like.

…

Christmas comes.

It's been seven months since Fred died and Oliver knows that Percy is still grieving. He knows that the holidays will be hard for them.

He doesn't expect anything.

His own parents have been dead since he was sixteen, but that's fine, because his dad was a dick and his mum never wanted him. He figures he'll have a quiet Christmas.

Percy asks him if he wants to come for Christmas as though the answer might actually be no.

Oliver does not hesitate.

He goes, and Molly has grief shadowed in her eyes and a welcoming smile on her face as she tells him it's been too long.

Oliver smiles back.

The Burrow is a riot of noise with ever present spaces where Fred used to be and Oliver wonders if that will fade with time.

He watches Bill and his wife announce a pregnancy just beginning and wonders if maybe the spaces will be filled with new faces.

And when they open presents, Oliver finds a package with his name on it and a bright blue jumper inside, hand-knitted with love in every stitch.

Oliver clutches the jumper tightly in his fist and he thinks, _this is what love is. This is what_ home _is._

* * *

Assignment 7: Careers: 3: Write about an abusive relationship

Oracle: Write about a character undergoing a life-changing segment of their life. / Auction Challenge: prompt: Percy/Oliver (H prompt 9) words: 1901 / Couple Appreciation: Romantic / Pinata: Genre: Angst / Film Festival: 13. Character - Brain & 14\. Character - Athlete / April Writing Month: 1901 words / TV addicts: 13 Reasons Why, using the prompts: witnessing a friend being hurt, confession, and disturbed /Gobstones: Stone: Gold - Escape Accuracy: (trait) Kind; Power: (trait) Paranoid; Technique: (pairing) Bill/Fleur / Character Appreciation: 23. Character: Oliver Wood / Disney: C4: Eeyore - Write a hurt/comfort fic. / Creature Feature: 7. Dwarf - (dialogue) "I feel small." and 3. Genie - (plot point) getting a wish granted / Amber's Attic: 18. It is untrue that bravery can be measured by lack of fear. It takes guts to tremble. It takes tremble to love. / Book Club: Sam Black-Crow: (food) pie, (word) kiss, (object) bouquet of flowers / Showtime: 9. Long Sunday Afternoon/My Friend Alt. write about best friends who are complete opposites. / Days of the Month: World Wish Day - Write about a wish coming true / Buttons: D4: "I think so." W2: Respect / Lyric Alley: 7. 'Til now you're nothing more than a silhouette / AAA: 25. F*cking Frickard - Trope: Gaslighting / Sophie's Shelf: Chiaroscuro Lighting: Write a story that is gloomy and 'black and white' in nature. / Lo's Lowdown: Bucky Barnes: write about brainwashing (5 bonus points) / Easter Egg Hunt: 36. Percy/Oliver / Easter Bingo: no using "said" / Make an Easter Basket: write about a gathering / Build a Bunny: yellow - daisy / Guess the Name; Mustard - Percy / 365: 163. object: socks / Insane house: petrichor


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